I stood on the cliffside screaming "Give me a reason!"
I was ruining myself for a future I didn't believe in.
Didn't know whether I wanted to fall off or turn around,
So I dialled her number to momentarily leave the battleground.
"It gets better," she promised- but I didn't care if she was right.
I was broken, I was tired. I no longer wanted to fight.
There was blood on the floor, on my hands, and fresh on the blade,
If my attacker was me, would it make a difference if I prayed?
"Be kind to yourself," she pleaded- but kindness had long become foreign,
I'd fallen too deep to rise above my sins.
I was a shard of glass that knew only to cut and to break,
The only choice I had was in who I would put at stake.
"It was never your fault," she insisted- then why didn't I have anyone to blame but me?
I must have been an unreliable narrator of my own story.
If anyone lived inside my head, I was afraid they'd see,
That I might be better off alone, and the world would be better off without me.
"Do you want me to stay?" she whispered as I struggled to breathe,
"Yes... please…" I managed through gritted teeth.
I took a step back from the edge of the precipice,
As her steady voice kept me from falling into the abyss.
"You're a strong woman," she said- but how could that be true?
I was ready to give up, that's not what strong women do.
I was cowering from every blow, tried to surrender at the first chance,
But I must have been worth something, if she had decided to spare me a second glance.
"You will heal," she assured me- and some childish part of me hoped she was right.
I saw the faintest spark of hope that she had managed to ignite.
I glanced at the abandoned battlefield, wondering if it would make a difference if I went back-
And then at the moonless sky, only to find it wasn't completely black.
"I'm proud of you," she said one day- and tears pricked at my eyes.
Her reasons for it, I could never surmise.
The twilight was over and the battle was about to recommence.
I resolved to prove worthy of it, until those words truly made sense.
I stood on the cliffside screaming, "Give me a reason!"
The distant echo of her voice gave me something to believe in.
I no longer wanted to fall off so I turned around,
I said my prayers as I left to face myself on the battleground.
-To my high school English teacher, my voice of healing
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